"You need to love yourself before loving anyone else."

I have finally cracked what people mean when they say, "You need to love yourself before loving anyone else". I have understood it means that before you let anyone see your vulnerabilities, you have to be open to seeing them. Before anyone else sees your fears and insecurities, you must know what they are exactly. You must be aware of what parts of you need more love than other parts of you because if you don't, you will expect them to figure it out for you. You will expect them to do your healing. You will assume they know you and you know them but when in reality, you don't even know yourself.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't love others without being in love with you because we don't exist in isolation. Actually, if we don't have love around us, it's even harder to love ourselves because as the fundamentals of social psychology suggest that we are social beings, wired to please others because social acceptance is good for our self-esteem. Now, before you go about thinking that external validation is wrong, let me save you some time– it's not. It is unhealthy to seek social validation, only and only if it's the sole source of validation. Of course, you need someone to tell you you are valid!

Based on my recent work with a client, I realised that it's so easy to tell others that they are worthy and beautiful, with all their pieces and parts. However, when we have to direct the same philosophies and love inwards, we try to convince ourselves as if it's a lie as if it's a myth that our worth is inherent. We think that we must earn positive emotions. Through a very challenging personal journey, I have learned that love is not a currency. If there's something limited then that would be time. However, working with clients has helped me actually get inspired to truly believe that our worth is not conditional. Being good at something doesn't increase your value and being bad at it doesn't decrease your worth as well. You are valuable irrespective of your production value.

Note: Don't buy this if you don't think it's the truth. Such things only make sense when they come to you as an epiphany. You don't have to convince yourself about being lovable. You are lovable and that's a fact. Take your own time to do your experiment and research. (Maybe go for therapy even, haha)

Today, I am almost jolted to life to relearn Carl Rogers' principle of unconditional positive regard for clients. In his Person-Centred Theory, he wrote revolutionary ideals that altered the course of psychotherapy. He noted that as children we often receive positive regard (acceptance, support and be treated positively) only when we have done something worth receiving it. We often learn early in life that to receive love (which often presents itself through a transaction of positive regard) we have to do something. We learn the script "If you do this, you will receive this." And so we learn that there is a logic behind emotions and your mere existence, your mere being is not enough. I am wondering if this also conditioned us to not love others until we think they deserve it, making love a currency, turning happiness into a reward, almost denying happiness and love as the very foundation of human life. I am guessing while I am framing all this in my own words, this concept isn't new and was known to Rogers.

It has occurred to me that loving oneself is an everlasting process, and so is loving others. And what people mean when they tell you to love yourself before you love someone else is that you must be self-aware. Somewhere it seems love is an awareness of humanity. Humanity is essentially rested in the very fact of your existence and is not beyond it.