Chapter 2, Beginning

Clients often ask me if they did the right thing by breaking up with their partner or by responding to the given situation a certain way. I am trained to ask, “Why does my opinion matter?” because self-disclosure comes at a cost. Being the “expert” in position, there is a certain power of influence I have over the clients. Through experience, I have learned to ask, “What will you do if I say yes?” followed by “What will you do if I say no?”. Every client is taken-aback by this line of questioning. In the past (the time before they came to therapy), their group of friends and well wishers have validated and invalidated them so many times that they now want a verdict. They want a judgement but do not want be judged. At the same time they want to stop the pain, for once and for all. But when asked what it is that my validation will or lack of it will lead to for them, their automatic pattern of justifying themselves in opposition to anyone’s opinion on their life is halted. They are forced to think about what it is that they really want. They cannot get past their therapist as they can with their friends when they are trying to bring themselves down by contemplating and doing a retrospective analysis of their deeds.

As friends, we give advice and opinions. I was once talking to my friend, after a long day of seeing clients about how drained I am of worrying about my clients’ well-being. He gave me a long pause. I told him, “Hey, you are not my therapist, you can give me advice and suggestions.” He laughed out so hard and then told me, “You are feeling exactly how you are supposed to feel.”

Two things came out of this call--

First, our friends are not our therapists and our therapists are not our friends. Second, invalidating how much a break-up hurts or how any specific situation causes pain, or any other unwanted emotion, it is possible that it is exactly how we are supposed to feel in that moment. We have been ingrained to regulate emotions that bring us down, and walk out of anything that can potentially harm us, because unproductivity is “unhealthy”.

Running away from a predator has evolutionary reasons, and so, logically, it makes sense when we do not want to face our conflicts. In neuroscientific terms, our cortisol levels shoot up. We get an adrenaline rush, giving us a kick in the moment and eventually, consuming all the available energy, leaving us tired, and exhausted. We go in survival mode--fight, flight and freeze. However, I believe we are not faced by death, most of the time. What might be at stake is our self-concept. We don’t want our foundations to be challenged. They are as dear to us as our life. Hence, when our automatic thoughts or autopilot mode of mind fails to get us what we want, our conscious mind comes to the forefront, causing us immense discomfort because now, we have to put in more energy than we had anticipated or are willing to spend.

My personal journey of healing has taught me that conflicts are opportunities that invite us to pause and think.

In tense moments, it becomes important to ground oneself in their reality but emotions can be so overwhelming. It becomes necessary to learn to build holes to drain overwhelming water that rains bring along. Remember, some people will already have learned and have access to tools to build the drainage holes in various forms while some of us will have to call the plumber. Healing begins with an awareness, “I’m carrying more than I can handle.” Abstain from judging yourself if you don’t know everything about your drainage system. No two people are the same. No two people are going through the same. We do not know everything that goes on in one’s lives. Nuance is everything. This blog is an invitation for you to listen to yourself. Nobody is a born plumber.