Wounded Healer

It has been a month since I took my first session with my first client. I have dreamt of it for years. I like to believe I have diligently worked towards getting my training for years. The journey has been nothing short of climbing to the hilltop. I happen to be someone who loves what I do, it is a meaningful, purposeful and enriching job. But it is also emotionally draining and a self-doubting profession.

When you are ethically charged, “Client’s well-being is your utmost priority,” becomes your motto, your driving force. Without quite understanding what it meant, I let the client’s trauma become my trauma. It became so difficult. I just did not want anyone to feel the way I have felt when I was going through difficult times in my life. Some people call this phenomenon “wounded healers”. We heal others because we have been wounded ourselves. Empathy is our heart and soul. It reminds me of this poem by Leonerd Cohen “The Only Poem”; I cannot it get off my head--

“This is the only poem

I can read.

I am the only one

can write it.

I didn’t kill myself

when things went wrong.

I didn’t turn

to drugs or teaching.

I tried to sleep

but when I couldn’t sleep,

I learned to write.

I learned to write

what might be read

on nights like this

by one like me.”

— Leonard Cohen

What Cohen has captured in those lines is the story of so many wounded healers like me behind canvases, music sheets, bookstores, and therapist desks. We wanted to be there for people because we knew how important literature and people were in bringing us out of places we did not think we could get out of. Artists and therapists in a strange and creative way aim to achieve something similar -- healing. You might say doctors do that too but doctors treat you, not heal you. It does not mean they are not important but rather, what it means is that treatment alone is not enough.

Healing is a personally vulnerable journey, filled with uncomfortable and life-altering insights and perceptions that create tectonic shifts within you.

However, coming back to my experience as a beginner, I too wanted to heal my client. But the challenge that presented in front of me was the very foundation of my training, “Client’s well-being is your utmost priority.” The well-being I was supposed to be prioritizing, was that of the client and hence, whilst their well-being is my priority, the well-being itself is not mine. An a-ha moment! I could not operate on the client from the position of knowing what healing means for others. In my desire to create deep shifts on the first day itself, I forgot how important it was to just listen and stay with the client. The very foundation of counselling re-presented itself in front of me -- it was not a class of ethics but rather, my first counselling class -- “What are some skills you think a counselor needs which you aim to achieve through this course?” Mine was patience and listening. (I sucked at listening to people. I was someone who stayed silent until I could speak again. I wanted attention so badly!) Another a-ha moment! I began to understand what was going on inside me. I reminded myself-- Anuradha, listen to the client. Anuradha, be patient with the client. Anuradha, be patient with yourself. Anuradha, listen to what is coming up for you. Anuradha, simply listen; the most powerful thing you can do is to stay with the client and hold space for them to be them.

Recently, I was sharing with someone my experiences of being judged in a way that left a lasting impression on my mind. This person said to me, “I can see how that has harmed you, I am wondering what were the ways in which that judgement helped you?” In my head, I went “Wow!” I instantly said, “I learned not to judge people, that is so shitty.” She was like, “Yeah. It is also possible that the person did not know any better and you only learned who not to be, and in a sense what you want to be.” Damn, my world went 360°!

This is exactly what it is to work as a wounded healer. You are able to learn from your wounds and you're able to extend empathy both inwards and outwards. I have realized that my wounds have been key in my journey to direct me into becoming a healer. But they do not define me or my practice. They are part of my reality which inform the kind of work I intend to do. As a therapist, it empowers to be aware of my own identities that add on to and subtract from my ability to be completely present for the client.